


I'll Wait in Izumo

by eastofbananafish



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: M/M, Post-Canon Banana Fish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:15:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27928870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eastofbananafish/pseuds/eastofbananafish
Summary: "Stay by my side. It doesn't have to be forever. Even if it's just for now."After Ash's death, Eiji Okumura went on to live a long and fruitful life. For many years, he tried forcing himself to let go of his first love, but Ash Lynx never failed to escape from Eiji's life.60 years later, Eiji crosses into death, and his heart still holds on to the boy he loved in New York City. Now, in the afterlife, Eiji searches for Ash. Could they still rebuild what life stole from them. What could possibly heal the loss and grief experienced from their years apart?
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 8
Kudos: 66





	1. New York, City of Freedom

When I stepped into the afterlife, the harsh and bitter details of my years drifted away into a sea of blurriness. All that was left was a series of golden memories, a collection of the good ol' days, as they say in America. I wish this could've been the case while I was still alive. After Ash's death, I learned that the art of forgetting is a subtle yet treacherous feat, but not once did I ever regret meeting him. I'm glad I came to America. I was a young and eager photographer's assistant, ready to experience life away from Japan. I met my lifelong friends. I discovered the best and worst parts of humanity. More than anything, I met Ash Lynx, and that made all the difference.

Life moved on without him, bringing painful years of losing a love that could never be replaced. I moved between New York City and Tokyo. My hometown, Izumo, soon became a distant place I returned to only for the holidays. I met new people to care for. Fell in and out of love again. Got married. Raised a family. Grew old. After Ash, life became simple again, or perhaps, my life was never destined to be the chaos that he was born into. However, Ash's existence never left my side. City to city, I carried him wherever I went. I carried him on my wedding day, as I raced to the hospital where my daughter was born, and when I took my last breath. He was there. He was everywhere.

Sometimes, I wondered what it would be like if Ash Lynx escaped from my memory—to live painlessly in oblivion, to be free from his essence. After all, to remember is to feel pain. I was able to forget the grief of my parents, my sister, and all of my friends who passed before me. Ash was different. He stayed in mind through the years, constantly and discreetly. In my loneliest moments, I tried to erase him from my memory. Trust me, I've tried, but Ash lived a life of persistence. Even in death, he never failed to linger in my life.

In my final days, I clung to the faces of my grandchildren: Cain, Ibe, and Shorter, all named after some of my closest friends. In those weak and weary times, my grandchildren carried an energy not too dissimilar from that of the New York City street kids: a ferocious, chaotic zeal. Oddly enough, Shorter once stormed into my hospital room to reveal his streaks of purple hair. I imagined he found my old photographs, stashed beneath the cheesy Coney Island souvenirs I was never able to throw away. He must've discovered polaroids of Shorter with his dark glasses and mischievous smile.

Instead of bedtime tales, I told them stories about Ash, Sing, Skip, Max, and the boys who fought by our side. I narrated the time we drove across the country and when we raced down subway cars to escape murderers and mafia members. My grandchildren laughed. In their minds, my stories were just stories. They never knew the truth, but that was just fine.

Then, it was all over. What I left behind was small and possibly insignificant in years to come, but I hope my grandchildren will take my photographs and remember me. Just like how I remembered Ash during the times I needed him most.

The afterlife greeted me with goodness and serenity. The spirit world felt quite a lot like the world we all leave behind at some point, but here, the trees glimmered in the sunlight with a bluer shade of green, and the water was always a bit warmer. The birds sang more complex melodies, and the wind was never blistering.

I found myself in New York City again. Then, I saw them. Cain, Max, and Sing waved from a distance, and I ran, sprinting until they embraced me.

"Welcome back, old friend." Sing squeezed my shoulders. We were all back in the bodies of our younger selves—strong and fierceful.

"What have you all been doing since I last saw everyone?" I asked.

"Ah, nothing much," Cain grumbled. "Watching over these two like always."

"Speak for yourself. I've been getting my apartment ready for Jessica," Max scoffed. "Enough of us, though. How are you?"

"I'm just glad to be back." I truly was.

We trekked through the city, from Canal Street to Downtown Brooklyn, until we found a spot to rest on the Manhattan Bridge. Overlooking the East River, we gazed at the geese migrating south. The late autumn wind hit our cheeks. The sun sunk into shades of lazy oranges and sleepy reds. We were at peace, guards down and unafraid. No gunshots. No explosions. Just the splashing of the water below our feet.

"Feels good, eh?" Sing nudged my arm and pointed at drifting clouds. "After death, nobody cares about money or the drugs or who people assume you're fighting for. We're all just here, just enjoying what we never got to enjoy."

"Wanna know the best part?" I looked over at Cain, who was also mesmerized by the glowing sunset as he spoke. "I can run up and down all of New York City, and no one is chasing me. The police don't exist here. They're all free. We're all free, Eiji. That shit's tight as fuck, if you ask me."

I thought about the mafias and politicians. We were all controlled by violence, and New York City rotted us all. It stole Ash, and it eventually killed him too. But today, we're the luckiest dead men out here. We know what this city was once like. Now, there was peace. and silence. and love... a love that was unafraid to embrace itself. I could hear Max's gentle breaths.

New York City in the afterlife felt like paradise.

What if I had met Ash in the afterlife? In a city without blood?

I closed my eyes and pressed them tight, so they would not see me cry. Even in the afterlife, I wasn't able to hold back these tears. I wanted to be strong, but unlike these guys, I always let my guard down.

"Wow," Sing whispered as dusk covered Manhattan in a lavender glaze, "I couldn't fathom how much you must miss him. God, all those years without him."

"I think the same could be said about Ash," Max added. "Oh, boys, the time has come, hasn't it?"

I clutched my shirt to keep my heart from pounding out of my chest.

"This feels like a proud dad moment!" Max exclaimed.

"Okay, calm down," Cain cheerfully smirked. "Eiji, would you like to find him?"


	2. Sunlit Strand | 60 Years Ago

_60 years ago._

"LOOK!" Ash screamed from the van as Santa Monica glimmered along the horizon. "Eiji, come close! Have you seen anything like that before!?"

The Pacific waves crashed in the distance, and all of the sudden, Ash took off his stony-faced mask. It was the first time I saw him gleam in excitement. Usually, his mind fixated on getting work done. He was always protective, shielding himself from the world and all of its beauty.

This time, things felt lighter. Here, in the sunshine of Los Angeles, he radiated with a childlike wonder. His green eyes sparkled with a carefree curiousness.

Ash swerved the vehicle into a nearby parking lot.

"Max," he ordered, "head east until you hit the downtown bars. I'll meet you and Ibe in the abandoned building on 7th Street." He stroked his furrowed brow. "I've got some business to attend to."

"Got it," Max gulped, confused yet obedient.

"Eiji, come with me."

I nodded as Ash grabbed my hand and pulled me away. We ran and held each other, breathing to the same rhythm and bonded as if our arms were two metal links. My heart raced as Ash led us away. He swerved through the busy streets with a deep focus. We dodged innocent tourists and pedestrians.

Struck by his beauty, every single person stopped to take a quick glance at Ash.

If things were different, he could've been born as a model. Perhaps, if Ash grew up in Los Angeles, he would've been raised as a famous Hollywood actor. His sly smile and golden hair fit perfectly into the glamour of this city. I imagined him as the beloved movie characters I looked up to as a child. Ash in a James Bond suit, saving the world with grace and wealth. Ash in a superhero cape, flying through the sky with the woman he loves. Ash in a safe and happy place.

But this was not Ash, and the world he was born into was not a seductive one. He was raised in grime and bloodshed.

This city must feel like a dream.

I looked up and saw what he was chasing after: the ocean.

Ash wiped the sweat off his forehead, and we walked toward the shore. Our legs collapsed into the warm sand. Pelicans flew overhead, and surfers passed by like dark shadows. Ash flinched when a crowd of swimmers plunged into the crisp, cold waves. His eyes examined the beach as his body shivered, scared and almost... confused by the strange peacefulness of it all.

We were so far from the chaos of New York. In the beaches of Los Angeles, people sunbathed, surfed, and strolled without any knowledge of the violence that consumed Ash's life. Here, people simply _existed_.

I placed a hand on his back. "You're safe."

Slowly, the tremble of his body vanished.

Ash sunk into my arms and rested his head on my lap. "I wish I could see the world without this... this feeling of someone lurking behind me. Sometimes, all I want is to run away, to leave New York behind me."

I did not have the right words. Instead, I placed my hand on his temples and stroked his hair. His lips curved into a gentle smile.

"It feels nice when you do that." Ash took a deep breath. "I'm not a photographer, but sometimes, I take mental photographs to remember the beautiful parts of life. Do you do that too, or do you just snap away on that little camera of yours?"

"Hm, I would usually search for my camera, but this deserves a mental snapshot." I reached my hands out, imitating a photographer's grip. "See? _Click. Click. Click._ "

"I'll remember this," Ash laughed. "The Hudson River is filled with Golzine's men, but here in California, you'll only find seaweed and dolphins. I bet even the sharks are too busy swarming to New York's beaches. I wonder if they'll get me too."

I clenched onto him—a reflex to Ash's dismal predictions.

"Will you remember this?" he asked.

"I will. I'll remember this for a very long time, and maybe, one day, we can come back again."

"Yeah, maybe," Ash chuckled.

To take a mental photograph, I shut my eyes and opened them wide to let the world back in. Darkness, followed by a flash of reality.

Sunlight against Ash's soft skin. _Click._

Turquoise tides, rolling in with seafoam. _Click._

Our filthy, exhausted bodies below the pristine, blue skies. _Click._

Ash's healing arms, once bruised and bleeding, intertwined with mine. _Click._

Waves continued crashing, and Ash soon fell asleep in my lap. I'll wake him up soon, I told myself. He was tired after days of restlessness. He should sleep. I'll wait until we have to make our way back to Max and Ibe. This is temporary, but I'll still cherish it.

Surfers, paddling into the horizon. _Click_.

Two pelicans, flying in circles around the sun. Could birds be in love? _Click._

A boy, resting peacefully in my arms. Safe and sound. _Click._

Yes, Ash was right about California's beauty. However, even a place like California will never deserve his beauty. I wish New York had the same realization. Instead, his home stole all of that from him, leaving him with nothing. The world only abused Ash's beauty. What an unfair life he lived.

I wanted to stay on the beach forever. I wanted this sleepy, sunlit hour to stretch for eternity, but the good things never last for long in Ash's world. We both knew that too.


	3. A Bulletless Chest

"Shorter! Skip!" Max shouted into the neon-lit lounge. "Look who died and decided to join us in the afterlife!"

I first spotted his tall, purple mohawk. Then, they both turned around and revealed their effervescent grins—two faces I had not seen for so long. It took me a moment to scramble for the puzzle pieces of our youth.

"EIJI!" they both screamed.

Then, Shorter embraced me. "Finally, you're here. We've all been waiting for so long, especially Ash. That boy hasn't stopped-" He pulled away, and a nostalgic sadness filled his eyes. "I don't know where to begin... Do you remember the day they injected me with Banana Fish? I just wanted to say that... I'm sorry... I don't know how to tell you how sorry I was for what I did to everyone."

Tears filled our eyes as I remembered his pain and desperation. How a single injection destroyed everything. With a single bullet, Ash could've killed Golzine. Instead, he was forced to kill his best friend in order to free him from his misery.

My knife wounds soon vanished, but I could never erase the darkness of that day. How could human beings be so evil? How could they do that to Shorter? These were questions we had been so afraid to answer. Yet, the answer was blatantly in front of us.

"Not once did I ever blame you, Shorter. Please believe me."

He nodded. We were both sorry—for the things we could not control, for being trapped in a cage of bloodshed against our will. It was never our fault. Yet, we finally found closure for the inexplicable sorrow it caused.

"Okay, okay," Cain interrupted. "Enough of this. We're all dead now. We came to look for the boy. Why is he always running off when we need him?"

"Ash?" Skip asked. "Hm, I saw him this morning, reading that one Hemingway novel he always has with him. What is it again? Oh, _Islands in the Stream_. What a nerd."

"Nah, nah. I saw him run off later this afternoon," Shorter added, "and this time, he's no longer in New York. He's been mentioning it for some time now, but I think he might be going to—"

" _What_ do you mean 'he's no longer in New York'!?" Max threw his arms up in frustration.

"Yeah, doesn't he know that Eiji is here!?"

"That boy can be so difficult sometimes."

The men broke into an argument over Ash' whereabouts. Loud voices filled the room, reminding me of old times. I enjoyed their cacophonous chatter.

Oh, Ash. I dug deep into his mind; I knew all of the intricate patterns of his inner workings. Where could he possibly go in a moment like this? He must know about my death. I wondered if he still wanted to see me after all these years. Would he still want me around?

A million cranes pierced through my stomach. I was anxious, eager, impatient, joyful, and afraid. Zealous excitement _and_ uncertain worries flooded my insides, but one thing was certain: I knew where Ash went. Deep down within me, I could see him, and there was no time to wait.


	4. Silly Questions | 60 Years Ago

60 years ago.

_Do you have a girlfriend?_

Ash’s silly question clung to me for days. Why would he ask? Why would he even be interested in the first place? Perhaps, it was the beer and Halloween candy that sent his mind into a careless buzz. Was this a question he asked all of his friends?

I thought about the girl he loved when he was fourteen and how he was not able to shield her from his world. It saddened me to think about Ash losing someone he held so dearly. Another part of me wondered what it must have felt like to be loved by him. 

Does he still love her? I pondered. Is this a question worth asking myself?

Ash then staggered into the kitchen as I poured our morning coffee. He threw a stack of books onto the counter and wiped the raindrops off of his glasses. Exhaustion darkened his eyes as he sunk into the plush sofa. I couldn’t tell whether he spent the night ensconced in dog-eared book pages… or pulling the trigger of his gun. I scanned his white shirt. No blood.

“What’s wrong, big bro? You look a bit solemn today,” he observed with a smirk on his face.

I didn’t answer. I tried wiping my thoughts away: Ash losing a lover when he was only fourteen, questions asked after many cans of beer, and the echo of my heartbeat when it pounds against my chest. 

He raised an eyebrow. I turned my face away, looking out at the city skyscrapers from our open window,

“Hey, at least we haven’t been kidnapped from this place I got for us,” he joked. “Hm, c’mon, what’s on your mind?”

I set my coffee down and joined him on the couch. “I guess… I’ve just been thinking about the conversation we had on Halloween. When you asked me if I had a girlfriend… and when you told me about the girl you loved.”

“Oh.”

“Do you think you’ll ever fall in love again after that?”

“You may be older than me, but you ask such stupid questions.” He grinned for the first time in days. “Let’s get out of here. You haven’t been a tourist in the most tourist-filled city in the world.”

We made our way to the glimmering lake in Central Park. For a day in November, it was oddly warm. New Yorkers strolled through the urban trails, covered in red and orange leaves. People, young and old, rowed their boats with no track of time. It felt like an escape from the rush of the city.

“Ash?” I asked, “Did you ever come here with her?”

“You never mind your own business, uh?” He turned away for a moment, looking out at the pastel rowboats. “But since you asked, we did come here when the weather was warm. I sometimes forget that I have these fond memories. I guess it’s just harder to search for them now.”

“So, do you think of her whenever you come here in the summertime?” I bit my lip, embarrassed by my desperate curiosity. Words continued to spill out of me like a stream of consciousness, flowing down an endless river of questions. Yet, I saw a glow in Ash’s smile. Curiosity might’ve tortured the cat—the cat being me—but at least he was remembering some happy moments.

Although she was no longer alive, I wanted to thank her… to say _Hello, you don’t know me, but you’ve shown Ash love, and for that, I am endlessly grateful._

Ash took a deep breath, allowing himself to think before answering my question. Then, we looked at each other. I fell into his gaze, warm and melancholy.

“I don’t think so,” he replied. “It’s not summer, but it is a warm day. I’m here by the lake again. I’m not thinking about much, but I do know that I’m thinking about you. That’s about it.” He looked down at me then at the reflection of us in the water. “Pleased with my answer, Sherlock?”

I smiled, knowing that he was thinking about me. In years to come, would I return to this side of the lake and think about Ash? Or… do memories slowly vanish?

He swung his arms around my shoulders. “Are you hungry? We should get going. I could eat just about anything right now, even that dried horse mackerel and Japanese radish you like so much.”

Instead, Ash spotted a hot dog stand, and we slipped back into his New York reality. 


	5. Morning Light

I took an overnight trip from Manhattan to Izumo. In the afterlife, the world was connected through dreams and floating trains. The continents of our Earth no longer felt so vast and spread apart from one another.

I arrived in my hometown before the early colors of sunrise. I didn’t know where Ash was, but I could feel his presence. I pushed away my fear, and I ran toward him. His spirit was glowing, brighter and brighter, with every footstep I took.

Even before death, I always knew if Ash was hurt, missing, or in danger. There was always a voice telling me to look for him. In those moments, I was willing to do anything to save him. I was described as a frightened boy, but for Ash, those fears went away. It wasn’t until after his death that I realized love conquered fear.

After pacing through my small seaport town, I reached Lake Shinji. It was the spot where my grandfather would take me fishing. It was where I wanted to take Ash if he had been able to come.

Instantly, I spotted his blonde hair, blowing in the wind.

_After all these years. It can’t be._

I held back my tears, clamped a hand over my racing heart, and approached him—slowly and carefully. For so long, we lived in different worlds, but now, I finally found him in my childhood location: across the ocean and sitting by my hometown lake.

He still looked so alone. Walking to him felt like tiptoeing on April ice. I was afraid of losing him again, but that couldn’t be possible. Not here.

“A...sh. Ash,” my voice stammered. I thought about the last night I saw him in the hospital. I was blind and wounded. Yet, I needed him to hear my voice. Somehow, seeing him in the afterlife felt peculiarly similar.

Slowly, he turned around. His face, caught in a sudden surprise, lit up with glee.

“Eiji?” He stood up, and we raced toward each other. “EIJI!” he called out, his voice echoing through the entire lakeside village.

When we caught each other, death felt more alive than anything I’d ever felt before. _This is it. We’re truly safe now._ I missed his green eyes. In the morning light, I could see everything: those blonde eyelashes, the light freckles on his nose, and shades of blue and brown speckled across his iris. Tears rolled down his cheeks, and I could see the entire universe in his eyes. Those eyes. I’d forgotten how much they would ignite whenever we found each other.

I embraced him, clutching him as he held onto me.

“Ash, stay with me. Promise you won’t leave.”

For the first time, he simply cried. He was always the witty chatterbox, but in my arms, he became the lost child in the forest. This was the Ash I knew. The Ash I would comfort at 3:00 AM. The boy who didn’t know how much he was loved by everyone around him. This was the Ash who wanted nothing more than to be loved.

“I’ve always wanted to protect you,” I whispered. “I wanted to protect you from fate, but maybe this is our fate… to meet in a place where the world can’t hurt us anymore. So, please, let me be with you.”

We stayed in each other’s arms until Ash pulled away to gaze into my eyes. So many years had passed, and it felt as if we were relearning the details of each other’s faces. I wondered what life would’ve been like if we grew old together. If I got to see Ash with a gray head of hair and a wrinkled grin. Would I still have remembered his seventeen-year-old features? Do all memories blur like faded photographs?

His lips curved into a melancholy smile. Ash placed his hand on the side of my head, his long fingers slipping through my hair.

“We do such stupid things for the people we love.”


	6. Golden Hour Leaps | 60 Years Ago

_60 years ago._

Staten Island High School. It was the perfect time between afternoon classes and nightfall. Golden hour illuminated the track surface. Tired athletes packed their bags, ready to be picked up by their parents. I watched the athletes leave the gym. With their lanky frames and confident allure, the senior class runners resembled Ash. He fit in with their age and subtle demeanors. When everyone left, Ash and I jumped over the fence and scurried onto the track.

I pushed the pole against Ash's chest.

"Fuck, I haven't slept for three nights. Why are you making me do this?" he grumbled. I took a step back, leaving him room to prepare for the jump.

"You taught me how to shoot a gun, so why not teach you how to pole vault? Sure, you might not ever need this skill, but I wouldn't have ever escaped from that warehouse if it weren't for this."

"Yeah, yeah, you're right... I don't think I'll ever use this, but if it makes you happy, you know I'll at least try it out." He grinned. That smirk on his face.

Ash furrowed his brow. He focused on the bar, hovering at nine feet above the ground.

"We can adjust the bar to make it lower."

He ignored me, lifting the pole over his shoulder. 

Then, he sprinted off.

"Remember! The faster you run, the higher you go!" I yelled.

Unlike me, Ash was a naturally-built athlete. Tall and strong, he could easily be a pole vaulter. I was always the rookie of the team, falling behind the track stars and stumbling into numerous injuries and losses. Ash ran with an uncanny determination, as if he knew that he would make it over the bar no matter what. I wanted his confidence.

In a drawn-out slice of a second, Ash planted the pole, drove his legs into the air, and swung his body over the bar. Midair, he looked like a hawk soaring through the vast desert. His body moved like the wings of a falcon, piercing up into the sky before skydiving down to catch its prey. He perfected the vault and landed with a graceful fire. Stretched out and face-up on the mat, he closed his eyes and appeared, once again, as a vulnerable boy.

I sat down next to him.

Slowly, he opened his eyes and stared into the burning glow of the horizon. His chest was still racing to the thrill of the jump. He looked proud of himself—an emotion so far removed from the shame and anxiety that would wake him up in the late hours of our nights.

"I used to envy you because you knew how to fly. Now, I know how it feels. Being so high above the ground... it sent me into this rush that made me feel... I don't know..." He paused, lost in the serenity of the empty stadium. "Just peacefully alone."

"You're a natural. It usually takes weeks to train for these jumps." I looked away. "I know the feeling of what it's like to be up there. It's something I miss every day."

Ash pushed the pool toward me. "In that case, it's your turn. Time to see how the coach does it."

I remembered my accident. Instead of recovering and rejoining the team, I was a coward to my own sport. My fear of falling grew every time I stepped foot on the track. I was afraid of hurting myself again, and that anxiety grew into a crippling phobia. When I lost sight of my purpose, I became an Icarus to my own desires: flying, burning, falling.

I was tumbling down until I found myself fleeing from Japan.

Meeting Ash changed everything.

This could be my second chance.

I looked Ash in the eye and grabbed the pole, clenching it with all of my courage.

Ash came into my life, and I rediscovered what brings me happiness. When we were trapped, I somehow found the bravery to jump over the brick wall. I was hurt, bleeding and bruised, but afterwards, I felt amazing.

Because of him, the broken pieces of my failures were mending, turning me into a stronger human being. In his presence, everything in this world felt _possible_.

This is your chance to fly again, I told myself, and I'll do it, no matter what it takes.


	7. Silver Linings

By the end of dawn, our solitude was broken by the chatter of village folks. Early fishermen emerged with rainbow bluegills on their minds, and young children flew their dragon kites into the pink sky. Ash and I lay on the dock, the one that stretches far out into the lake. If I closed my eyes, it felt like floating in the middle of the ocean.

"I love this spot." Ash sighed with a melancholy relief. "You know, I would come out here whenever I found myself thinking about your hometown. Just to feel close to you again, but this time, you're finally here." His voice became quiet. "Sorry, it just feels like a dream. Waking up from one always hurts. Even in the afterlife, it still does."

I was wrapped in a twofold heartbreak. I should be happy. I should enjoy the bliss, and yet, the sorrows of our lives somehow managed to slip into the spirit realm. Why didn't the world let me keep Ash, even if it was just for a little while longer? Why did he have to go so soon? How could I not forget? How could they expect me to live carelessly? There was no way to fully live without holding onto him. For years, my sanity clung to every tattered photograph and torn journal page. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair.

"We were so close to being happy." I pressed my palms against my eyes, embarrassed by my own sadness. "Why did the world take you away from me? All I wanted was to be with you."

I could feel Ash's piercing gaze. His wariness. He had years to process his new reality in the spirit world. As for me, the past still lingered within my body. Time was needed to heal and start anew. Even in the afterlife, humans needed time to grieve.

"Eiji, I don't think you ever understood. Meeting you... _that_ was all of the happiness I could've ever asked for. You made my life whole again. After loving you, there was nothing I could do but let you go."

"But why!?" I yelled. Taken aback by the distress in my voice, he wrapped his arms around mine and held on, letting time settle between us.

He let out a shaky breath. "You had so much life to live. I saw so much in you, and you deserved to live without the horrible things I showed you, without the worry of our lives being at stake due to the cruelty of my fucked up world. We might've been, but our worlds were never made for each other."

"I spent the rest of my days missing you. You don't know how painful that was for me."

He looked out at the horizon. "I'm sorry."

We sat in silence until my heart found a sliver of lightness. Perhaps, Ash understood the process of grief in the afterlife. I needed to trust in him. We walked back to the harbor, strolling past the drifting sailboats and temple statues. I thought about the gods and goddesses who must be amongst us now.

"I wish I could've seen you as an old man." I chuckled, and it felt sincerely warm. "The infamous Ash Lynx with gray hair, wrinkled eyes, and a million grandchildren to love."

"Hey, one could always imagine, but at least I got to see you through the years. The long, gray ponytail was a good move, Eiji Okumura. I enjoyed watching over you from afar. You don't know how happy it made me when you opened your gallery, got married, brought your children to school for the first time." A pause. "I might not have been standing next to you, but I was with you every step of the way. Couldn't you tell?"

I grabbed Ash's hand, intertwining our fingers until it brought back old memories of sleeping next to him. He trembled with anxiety in the late hours of nightfall, and I would slip my hand into his. In the darkness, we held each other until sunrise. 

We were no longer in the darkness of city alleyways and subway tunnels. The fear of gunshots and open wounds no longer crossed our minds. The colors of this seaport town could never cause harm.

Could this be our silver lining?


	8. Snow Leopards, Sleeping

Ash and I trekked to the peak of a mountain. We were no longer in Japan, nor were we anywhere on a map. It was somewhere else entirely different — nothing that could be found on Earth, but it felt as if the picture-book stories of Kilimanjaro had come alive. This time, there were _two_ leopards, guiding each other toward the summit.

I thought about the lonely snow critters trapped in folklore. In many ways, we resembled them, but here, the trail was clear and simple. Sunlight brought clarity. We were no longer lost in the grand confusion of life.

In the sky, a flock of shikigami birds fluttered through the wispy clouds. Far out, we could see Manhattan, Tokyo, and Paris. Down below, colorful city lights rippled in every direction. Beneath the sky, I saw gold. Emerald. The deep, deep shades of indigo and spruce. It felt as if the colors had written their own elegies. The tints and hues carried their own stories.

Every sound and color consumed me. I was distracted, caught in wonder.

Ash laughed, waving at me like an eager park ranger. "C'mon, slow-poke!"

I ran, and this provoked a game of tag.

The moment we found the viewpoint, Ash and I tumbled into a meadow of orchids. Around our bodies, fresh poppies and violas bloomed a mile a minute, growing until we were covered in a blanket of flora. Ash held me in his arms, and we fell asleep. 

We dreamt, side-by-side. Then, when I did open my eyes, I learned that waking up did not come with mourning, sadness, or pain. Jade green eyes. Blonde eyelashes. A soft speckle of freckles. I memorized the serenity of his face. For the first time, Ash was asleep with a delicate smile. 

A dreaming boy. A hypnotic soul.

There was a time when I fled from reality and escaped into a series of never-ending reveries, but I no longer craved that release. I finally had, right in front of me, what I had been dreaming about for all these years.

The earth hugged our bodies as I sunk into Ash's sleepy breaths.

Snow fell from the lapis sky, but we had warmth in each other's arms.

 _This_. This was all I ever wanted.


End file.
